Moving my way through life

I have been on a journey of reclaiming my way of moving through life.

Recently, I have been coming back to my body more intentionally than at any other time. Without fighting or resisting but allowing myself to be, opening myself up to new possibilities, and finding the trust and faith that there is another way of experiencing the movement than what I have initially known so far.

Ever since I started juggling and slacklining I know that this kind of movement pulls me back to my body, allows me to get out of my mind and be present to my experience. By allowing myself to experience the movement in safer places I let myself become more authentic and gain confidence in my movement practices. The most important thing that I've learned by doing this was to develop my discernment and know when it is time to go against my body's discomfort and when to stay preserved. This way I find the power of movement once again.

As far as I can remember I was into movement. It was something I appreciated in this fast-paced world that we live in. When I was 18 while starting University I knew that I needed to start the theater. Although the subject that I was studying was a huge disappointment, what kept me alive those two years was the dance and the theater. Up until it didn’t anymore. I was trying to be in my body through movement but something crucial was missing. I was disconnected from my body’s intuition because I had been taught there were always ‘right ways’ to move.

Looking back I can see that I was so much in my head than in my body doing theater or dance back in the time. Although with all my heart I wanted to surrender to the dance, I didn’t feel safe in the community context that I was in. I think there are things that prevent people from reaching their full potential because of the ‘right’ ways of doing things. I am glad that I left my first community after realizing it wasn’t serving me. And, I am glad that I left all the other places connected to movement that were not aligned with me.

The climbing community at my second University was one of those places. I felt that I was bound by this community as I really wanted to climb and I thought this place was the only place I could do that.

And, the outcome of exposing myself to this community was—even a year later, after changing countries— not being able to climb. Whenever I wanted to go climbing, I became very anxious and paralyzed. I literally could not move myself to go there.

I’ve come to realize this notion of being bound by certain places or people was a common theme in my life. For the longest time, I couldn’t see my options other than the things ‘I had to do’.

Then I could see that even though there seemed to be no other option than the thing that ‘I have to’ do or the place that ‘I have to’ be I can also stay in between places. I think the notion of having ‘no other option’ comes from a polarized view of black-and-white thinking. In reality, there is always a third way that appears when I am not desperately grasping.

And, if it is not appearing I could let things die, let nothing happen, put things to rest. There is medicine in death. (The death I am mentioning here is the ending of relationships, cutting my connection with certain places, etc.)

My first attempts at breaking free

At the time, leaving all these communities behind made me feel very lonely and it kept reminding me that there was no place for me. I didn't fit in anywhere. In reality, I was just pushing hard when something was not working. It was not that personal. And instead of letting it go, I was holding tightly in hopes for things to get better.

I learned to loosen my grip. Ironically, when I’ve let go I’ve let in.

One of the first times I started to realize this ‘freeze’ was when I was invited to an Easter lunch in Denmark three years ago. It was a cozy day yet I was not able to relax. The kids were playing outside on the trampoline and I could feel that my body wanted to move, go jump on that trampoline too but something was holding me back, something inside of me was not allowing me to run freely. I felt this the strongest that day. My body couldn’t hold this inner conflict anymore. I found myself breaking down and crying in an open field in the presence of the beautiful sunset on the horizon while warm dry grasses were there to hold me. I felt such relief to not be on rush biking back home and enjoying my free fall.

Coming back to my body at the right time

And finally, just very recently Shae, the person behind random movement inspired me with her movement loop. The first time I tried the loop I was again too much in my head and thinking what was the order of the movement. If first, my hand needed to come on the ground or my shoulder. I was getting sad that I was not in the flow and moving too mechanically. She suggested that I try again later. So I did.

The next time I was more present and I could drop into my body. I love how she explained the workings of this loop, a cycle repeating itself, and the caveat was to do it with the ‘least effort’. I realized that I didn’t need to think about the order of my hands or shoulders. I could see that my hands were helping me arrive on the floor smoothly and go up again. Then my legs were following, bringing me closer to the floor and the cycle was repeating itself like that.

This loop reminded me how movement can be our second nature if we allow it. Just like walking, we don’t think about which leg or arm goes first we just do! And just like that, we arrive where we want to be. Only our minds get in the way. It's because this is how we have been taught. We don’t need to learn movement; we need to learn to get out of its way.

Perhaps we need to understand life to understand movement and vice versa. There are cycles and stages, contractions and expansions. There are times for being on the ground and times for rising, coming back down again, and so on.

You can read the Authentic Movement book to dive deeper into this. I think this video also captures the way of practicing the authentic movement beautifully.

Free fall

Years later, I could finally go to a climbing gym once again. Two years ago when I was in Germany for a short while. I could let go of the judgment and immerse myself in climbing. I tried to overcome the discomfort and tried to go to the gym more regularly.

I was so surprised that for the first time at this gym, I fell down while trying to finish the route. This never happened before as I was too afraid to push completing routes for fear of being seen as not so cool or something. But at this time the fear dissolved somehow as I was so present to climbing and not easily giving up.

I could fall freely without even thinking of falling. After this fall I realized how focused I was and falling in this state felt so freeing.

Reclaiming my authenticity to move and speak has been a hell of a journey. I am thanking all the people who inspired me so that I could arrive here. Especially Peter Levine’s last book ‘An Autobiography of Trauma: A Healing Journey’ encouraged me to write this.

Feeling your power through moving your body is priceless and don’t let anyone take that away from you!